Who is the Transgender Child and What Parents Should Know

A 3-year-old boy said to his mother, quoted in Parents Magazine, “I’m a girl. Don’t you know I’m a girl? I’m a girl inside. My blood is pink.” He also wanted to know why he was a girl inside but not outside. On another occasion, he said he hoped he would be struck by lightning.                                                                                                                                                                                                            In the formative years before school, children pick up from their parents what is expected from them in their gender roles. Boys shouldn’t play with dolls, and girls shouldn’t be too tomboyish. Boys should engage in rough and tumble, and girls should look feminine, wearing pretty dresses and ribbons and bows. These children soon see that there is much about themselves that they have to hide.                                                                                                                                                                                              If they are religious, they may feel that God will punish them. Eventually, they may slip into depression, and anxiety, and become isolated and secretive. There are two paths the young transgender child takes. They hide their preference and continue to pass as their birth sex. Or, they may feel so strongly about their preference that they can’t hide it. If they reveal it, huge problems may emerge. Society can be devastating to their emotional development. They may be rejected by family members and playmates. School time may be fraught with bullying, discrimination, harassment, and lack of support from teachers and administrators. Even the child who wants to hide his feelings can be stunted in his or her emotional development. Being transgender is not a “phase.” Yes, there are boys who play with dolls for a while or girls who love “roughhousing,” but they never think of themselves as the other sex and return to behavior that is normal for their sex.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Transgender people have been known in many cultures since antiquity. A transgender person is different than a transsexual person. The latter wants to change physically to the other sex by surgery, hormones or other methods. The transgender may not. They are also not to be confused with gays, lesbians, or bisexuals. The mental health of these children depends largely upon the support of their parents. Early intervention is crucial. Parental acceptance and support have been shown to lower the suicide risk. Parents must listen when their child tries to communicate his or her uncertainties and fears. Parental acceptance can result in problems of its own. 

 Parents confiding in others can bring disapproval and rejection by family and acquaintances. It has been reported that parents of transgender children have actually been threatened with harm or death. The controversy over which bathroom the transgender child should use has brought out misguided judgment against the children and their parents. Puberty is a particularly difficult time. The usual bodily changes are upsetting to transgender children. A child born as female but identifying as male may be disgusted with breast development, and a boy by birth but a girl inside may be horrified with all the hair growth. These children can’t function well in school or in family life without support. If they go through the “wrong” puberty it can lead to severe problems, including substance abuse, suicidal ideation, cutting and other forms of self-abuse, continuing high levels of stress and anxiety, and eventual poverty. They remain targets of bullies and harassment.                                                                                                                                                                                  

There are medical treatments available to delay puberty. However, the parent must be supportive from an early age and must be on top of the latest advances in this area. With medications and other treatments, they can delay the angst of puberty and function better in school and at home. Parents should seek counseling for their child, if necessary, and perhaps even for themselves. 

 Religious parents should concentrate on the basic teachings of their faith, which undoubtedly include love, non-judgment, and acceptance. “ Approximately 50 percent of transgender children and youth have considered suicide by the time they are 20 years old, according to the Youth Suicide Prevention Program, and approximately 25 percent have attempted it. And 41 percent of transgenders of all ages have attempted it at some point in life, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute. This compares with 4.6 percent of the general public.

"The answer is to love your kids as is. Your love and acceptance are the best medicine your kids will ever get," says Dr. Michelle Forcier, professor of pediatrics at Brown University.